Today is such a great day,
I sold my beloved computer to another needy person,
I went to the dentist late,
helped out a lost man,
translated for a Chinese man,
the nurse thanked me,
sat down and watched Transformers 2,
got good results,
taught a nurse how to use the calender in macbook,
asked what a sales clerk was going to be for Halloween at Ricky's,
talked about who I want to be with two other dudes while trying out my costume,
talked about my band,
got on the train home,
and a woman told me my art was cute and she liked it.
I feel like an actual human being today =)

      It's been a few days since I last updated. Lately I've met many amazing people, just absolutely amazing. Following up on the last entry on the computer, turned out that the guy selling the iMac was an European designer who's married to a Korean lady who was also a designer. Although I don't know if they have God in their lives, but I felt an immediate comfort as I arrived in the apartment. Long story short, the guy gave me a great deal, it was more than a steal. Got an mid 2006 intel iMac in pristine condition running all the latest programs and operating system including Adobe CS3 plus a 250 GB external hard drive, an external DVD burner, a USB hub, plus 2 computer games. It's more than I could ever ask for $575. When I asked the couple why they are selling such a beautiful machine and giving me all these freebies, the simply said "because we're moving to Long Island City, and our new apartment doesn't have a desk."

      What's the point of me saying all this? I guess I was just amazed at this couple whom were able to be so generous, and give away what they simply didn't need to the needy. If it was my situation, I'd probably try to squeeze every penny out of everything I own. But I digress. So upon leaving, I felt like I just met the best possible friends I could ever meet from Craigslist, and I was sad to leave them, and hoped to bump into them again someday when I move to LIC in the not so distant future, hopefully. I really believe that we meet people in our lives for a reason, even as short of an encounter as 10 minutes. I believe that this encounter made me appreciate people a lot more, and I hope to be as generous as this couple some point in my life.

       Now about my health, I guess for those who don't know who I am or haven't been informed, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer in early March this year. It was actually after I've been sexually active with my girlfriend of 5 months at the time that I began feeling this awkward sensation in my lower abdomen. I know I'm on Revelife, and this topic might be alarming or might raise an eyebrow to those who are reading this, but you don't have to keep on reading if you feel uncomfortable. I decided to write this second half of the entry because I felt it was necessary for me to describe my experience, and hopefully this will be helpful to those who are going through similar experience as I had gone through. Too many times we go to church and have questions relating to our sexuality, but cannot go to anyone openly to ask for advice without being judged, or be told that what we feel is sinful or related to lust, and we should just pray and repent. Then somewhere along the line, we learn that our friends in church had been doing what we had tried so hard to abstain from all these years. It sucks more than being kicked in the balls, really. But like they say, sometimes the only way to learn is to learn it the hard way. By no means am I saying that I am giving any advice on this topic, but just describing what had happened in the past 5 months since I had been diagnosed. So if you're ready, read on.

      Ironically, it was by reading a human sexuality text book that my gf left in my bedroom at the time that had saved me. I didn't even know what it was that made me want to turn those pages to find the answer. Most people would be too scared if they secretly knew they had cancer and wanted to find proof. But that was what I did. I wanted to be sure if I had cancer. So I turned to the page describing how to detect testicular cancer. It read, "symptoms include a dull pain on the lower back abdomen, later followed by swelling of the testicle. sometimes one or both, usually on the right and could be noticeably painful." Now when I had read that, I decided I had to tell my parents that I am in a lot of pain and I should go to the doctor right away. and Believe me, it is something I dreaded on telling them for quite a few weeks because part of me knew what was going on with my body and I didn't want them to worry, but now I had no choice. The other part of me didn't want to jeopardize my schoolwork, which I was doing so well the previous semester and wanted to keep it going for the Spring semester also. But I had no choice, and I went through 3 different doctors in the short span of one week. Everyone I knew at school thought I had disappeared, and when I went back 2 weeks later, I had already had my first surgery, and was on crouches. But I told them jokingly that my gf had kicked me in the shin and that was why I was on crouches. But my professors knew the truth, it wasn't until midterms time that I had told them the severity of my condition because I was still set on finishing my school year.

      However, all would change very soon in May. I was initially told by my doctors that I would be cured once they performed a second operation: the Retroperitoneal Lymph Nodes Dissection. Where they cut through my entire belly from the bottom center of my chest. And take out the Lymph Nodes inside so that cancer would never come back if it relapses. When I heard this I thought, "what about my career as a six-pack model??" but in reality, I'm not a six-pack model, but I really thought they were the best assets of my body besides my hair. (Later I would find myself losing everything due to chemo)
     
       So after a very hard decision and acceptance that I would carry a scar for the rest of my life every time I go to a beach, or just when I take off my shirt, I assigned those papers for the go ahead of the surgery. That weekend before the surgery, I had sex with my girlfriend for the last time. I was convinced that it would be months before I could ever be as intimate with my gf again, so I wanted to show her how much I loved her at the time. But sex wasn't as all they write out to be in the screen plays, or in those romance novels. At least my gf and I thought so. Besides the obvious reasons of both of us never have had experience in sex, the magic wasn't there. I think it was because we weren't truly in love with each other as we thought we were. Those of us who have been in relationships that didn't work out know how much we wanted to believe in the other person, that everything was meant to be, but sometimes things are just not.

       After that weekend, I went into the hospital, expecting to wake up the next day with stitches on my belly. Instead I walk into the office to find the doctor apologizing to me, and he had to be the one to tell me that the surgery would not save me. Only chemo would.

       I gave that statement a really long long thought. They had told me that chemo would absolutely be the last resort following the surgery, because the outcomes are unknown, but surgery was more definite. I only sensed fear seeping through my body. That day I went back home with all of my luggage, and picked up the phone and dialed my gf's number. I don't recall her response, but I'm sure she said that she would be there for me and that everything would be okay. For me however, I wasn't sure if everything would be okay for a brief moment of my life. I think for the first time, I had seriously thought about the possibility of "dying".
Not contemplating on dying, but that everything I've worked for up until now might amount to nothing. And that all the people I cared for and loved I would never see again. Now I used the word "loved", but at that time I think only "cared for" was appropriate as I didn't understand the meaning of love.

       Love is unconditional, love doesn't hold grudges, and to give love doesn't depend on how much we receive. Corithians 13 is full of verses pertaining love. Yet I would not begin to understand any of the examples if it wasn't for cancer. By being sick, and having to have to rely people for EVERYTHING for the first time was a very scary thing. But at the same time, it was only through this that I was able to see people shine in their brightest. When I was at the hospital during my second cycle of chemo, I can recall it as being the most terrifying and the hardest experience I had ever endured. After my gf had broken up with me during my second cycle, I almost would've given up any will to fight and live on if it wasn't for those people who had shown me that there are more to live for in life than just for our significant other. My dad for one, is the most faithful person in the world. After my mom had left home for 2 years, he had faith that she would come back, and she did. and now we're living together as a family again. After he was just baptized, one month after I was diagnosed with cancer, but he never gave up hope and went to church every week with the most faithful attitude. And he cared for me while I couldn't do anything on my own. On the second to last day of my second cycle, I had a terrible fever. I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better but shiver. So my dad wheeled me in a computer chair from home to the cab downstairs, then wheeled me in the very same chair across the hospital lobby until the guard gave us a wheel chair. While I was being treated in the Pediatric Emergency Room, (because they go up to 25 yrs. old, it's very useful info to know if you go to a big hospital ER) there were many nurses, doctors, and volunteers treating me. They were all new to me, and they didn't know me. But I know they were sincerely doing everything they could to help me. I was shivering like as if I had just been through a snow storm, and I recall this one particular volunteer who was no older than I am, putting blankets after blankets on me until I was warm. Later I found out that he was unemployed, so he decided to do something useful with his spare time and volunteer in the hospital ER. Now working hours at a hospital ER are ridiculous. I don't know what time he got in during the day, but when I switched rooms past 11 pm, he was still there. And it made me wonder, what motivates a person to have that kind of dedication? The answer I came up with is love. Immediately, I understood what my pastor was describing when he spoke of loving others before we love ourselves.

        I think my relationship with my gf didn't work out for a number of reasons. One is that I definitely put myself first before her, and it only became more apparent when I became incredibly sick. The stress of dealing with cancer is indescribable, and unless two people are in tune with each other, the stress will break them apart before their love can save them. The other reason being that I was a believer and she wasn't. Even though there were times where I felt her trying to understand and trying to get to know about Christianity, it was hard to describe to her as her boyfriend. In the end it all really comes down to faith. How much faith do we believe in God that things will get better despite looking at its gloomiest. I think although I had faith in our relationship, I didn't have faith in God. That if I had just said from the beginning that I would listen to him and believe that his love would shine greater than any love I'm capable of giving myself, then I wouldn't have felt the need to have sex with my gf.
     
   To be honest, part of me is content with the decisions I have made, but another part is saying, "you should've listened to God." All I know is that I wouldn't come to this realization if I didn't go through everything I had been through. I don't know what my health condition is right now. I still have 2 more weeks before I get another blood test. I really hope I am cured, but at the same time I am scared. I have felt the same lumps on my chest right before I went in for my supposedly second surgery, and the doctors told me that my cancer had came back again. The lumps disappeared after chemo, but it came back, and it concerns me. Right now I can only pray and hope for the best. Often I wonder, how much does prayer work? There are times when I felt the immediate answer of my prayer. But other times, I just don't know the will of God. For some strange coincidence though, today when I opened my Bible, and it's been a week since I last read, I see Mathew 7 about effective prayer. And today's devotional is on Mathew 7:7, which reads "Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you."

     For now I will pray for a sense of peace and confidence that my body will be healed and nursed back to health.

- Steve